alt_luna | (no subject)

i'm sorry I was so awful during dinner

It's okay, Luna. Really.

Do you need anything?

just to know you don't hate me.

I love you, you know? You're the sister I never had. Lavender is just a nasty bint and she doesn't count.

I can't believe I just wrote that. About Lavender, I mean.

Oh, but she so totally is.

Maybe next month we can get a couple of bottles of butterbeer and a basket of sandwiches from the elves and find some comfortable spot where we can sit and you can tell me what you really think about everyone.

I'm laughing, reading this. Oh, thank you.

Yes, let's.

(That's the first time I've laughed in two days.)

I can't work on the personnel lists anymore. at least not for a few days.

I just can't.

Of course, Luna, I understand. You've been such a big help, so don't even give it a second thought now.

I just hope it goes as easily for you as it possibly can.

Are you sure you want to do it?

Yes. I'm sure.

Why? You're being so stupid.

I'm helping my Housemate.

I wish Sirius hadn't said anything.

I'm glad he did. And since he has, there's no point in pretending we don't know, is there?

He's helped Remus, and he's been doing it for years.

Let me help you.

i'll hurt you

I'm good at dodging.

Look, would you be serious? Don't joke about it!

Didn't mean it as a joke. More like reassurance.

Look. I won't be there if I don't have your permission. But Luna, the Order saved my life, remember? That's a life debt I owe, and I consider it to be one I owe to everyone in the whole Order.

Don't you think any one of us in the Order will do anything we can to help you? And I'm the best choice; you know I am. Sirius is going to be with Remus. And Rachel and Ron's animagus forms are much smaller than mine.

You were there when Madam Pomfrey said I could die. Are you forgetting that?

you probably want to watch me die. You hate werewolves.

You know that's not true. You don't think I hate Remus, do you?

I'll be there because Sirius said that's the best way to make it easier for you. So it'll be less likely to happen. I want to give you that extra hedge.

You don't--

No. You don't hate him.

Let me help you, Luna.

Please?

you'll regret it.

No, I won't.

If you're really sure.

If you honestly don't mind...Then yes. Please? I'm afraid I do need you very much.

I've been writing back and forth with Mr Lupin. He suggested that perhaps it would help if you might spend some time with me as the Professor over the next day or two. Before we go into the room.

I'll look for you at breakfast, and we can talk then.

And Terry?

Thank you.

Notes. Since you said they'd be useful.

I've started fights with three people today, for no reason. I snapped at Charlie Weasley, and who ever snaps at him? I never have before. It was just because of the way he was looking at me.

I don't want to eat anything but meat. The rarer the better. I'm ravenous.

And ... oh, this is embarrassing.

I'm ravenous in other ways. I'm avoiding Colin because I either want to hit him, or I want to pounce on him. Like when I want to kiss him, except I want to do more than kiss.

everyone must hate me

Nonsense, no one hates you.

You're going through something new, and you'll need to figure out what helps and what makes things worse, that's all.

Can you try to think of it instead as a fascinating experiment, like you would look at experiencing anything new? It might help you keep perspective.

You'll be all right.

That's the way I would think about it. Usually.

But my mind feels so different inside now. I don't even recognise the person who I am now, judging by my thoughts.

Are you breathing?

I mean, like in meditation?

Perhaps that would help.

Like the occlumency centring exercises? Remus and Madam Pomfrey mentioned I could try those, but I forgot.

My mind isn't working very well.

I will try that, before I try to sleep.

There's no point in seeing you now. Not until afterwards.

~~if there is an afterwards~~

Saw the flurry of private messages, figured

Might be easier for you to write, hey?

I'm not going anywhere, you know. I'll sit right outside the room all night, and the Professor will be with you, and Madame P will be right there and blast it all, Luna, there is a point in seeing you, because

Because you're a person I care about very much, and you're going through a rough patch, and I'm not about to just walk away and wash my hands of it. That's not what decent people do.

I'd be in the room with you if they'd let me. Which is mad, but that's love for you, isn't it? So instead, I'll be waiting just outside, and I'm going to learn how to be an animagus, even if it takes me years and years, and I'll be damned if I let you walk in there without kissing me goodb night.

I can't see you before, Colin. I can't It's worse with you because

oh, I can't explain.

but it would help if I know you'll be outside the room.

you love me? Really?

you're mad

I am. Completely. Head over heels in mad.

And Lunes, if it's harder for you

I'll keep my distance.

And once you're in there, I'll knock on the door four times so you'll know it's me.

I'm crying. Why am I crying? I never cry.

Please. That would be best, if you stayed away. But yes, if you could knock like that. As long as I know the door is really locked, and I can't get at you.

If I come out afterwards

I can't say it now

but afterwards

Okay.

When you come out afterwards.

When.

Do you remember your first transformation? Or the way you felt just before it, I mean?

Is it always like this before? I mean, does the lead up seem less difficult, after the first time?

I suppose you can't really remember, since you were so young.

It's awful

I remember a few things. In the days leading up to the full moon, I remember how terrified my parents were, which was frightening in itself. And then

Do you really want to hear about this? Surely this isn't going to be helpful. What you really need to know is that yes, it got easier. I do get irritable in the days before the Full Moon, and I don't sleep as well. I've adjusted and learned ways to make myself more comfortable and the people who care about me learned to put up with me.

I want

I want to hear whatever you can tell me that will help. But not anything else.

Just knowing that does help. A very little.

Thank you

Right. Well, there's a tea blend I find very soothing. Are you still in the Hospital Wing or are you in one of the castle guest rooms like everyone else? Or Ravenclaw Tower? I can send some to you with an elf. Though really, it's just something I like, there isn't anything magical about it.

I wear clothing made from very soft fabrics right before the full moon, because any errant seam feels like sandpaper. Whatever you have that's very comfortable, that might help.

I mentioned having an animagus as company. Is Terry going to come stay with you? Because if not, I'm sure Rachel would do it. Even Peter could calm me, and he was a rat.

Chocolate helps a bit.

I would appreciate the tea very much, please. I do like tea. I'm in one of the castle guest rooms, but one of more private ones. Madam Pomfrey knows where, or you can send a house elf with it. Thank you.

Oh, that's a good idea about wearing something comfortable. I hadn't even realised it until I read what you wrote, but yes, the shirt I'm wearing is making me itch. I don't think anyone would object if I pull out my old pyjamas and wore them until the full moon comes.

Terry is going to stay with me. I tried to talk him out of it, and I can't believe he really wants to do it, but he insists he really does.

Chocolate does sound good.

Do you find yourself craving meat? I usually only like to eat beef when it's cooked very well done, but not right now. I want it as rare as I can get it.

I've sent tea with a house elf. Yes, you should wear your pyjamas if that's what you're comfortable in, and I'm glad to hear Terry will be staying with you. You might, in fact, consider having him come spend some time with you in his dog form in the next day or two; Sirius has been known to shift form when I'm very cranky, because I can't stay cross with the dog even though intellectually I know perfectly well it's the same person.

Some months I do want meat, the rarer the better. Other months I'm repulsed by it. I've never been able to spot a clear pattern.

Luna, dear, is there anything I can do for you? I looked for you today but I couldn't find you.

You can't change what happened.

I wish so much that I could.

But is there anything else? Do you have someone with you?

No. I'm hiding. I mean, I'm alone. I have to be alone right now. But Madam Pomfrey does know where I am.

Can you sleep, dear? Are you able to eat?

If I were home at the Burrow I'd make shortbread for you. Do you want me to ask the elves to prepare something special for you tomorrow?

Oh. Oh, that would be nice.

But not shortbread. A steak. As bloody as possible.

~~My goodness.~~

If it's steak you want, Luna dear, then steak you shall have.

(no subject)

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